Hello, it’s been a minute. When I started this newsletter, I wanted to write at least a couple times a week. But lately, I haven’t felt like writing at all. I haven’t felt like finding joy at all.
For one thing, joy seems like one of the least helpful emotions for someone like me to be feeling right now. Anguish and anger and grief and determination—those are emotions worth having. Who am I to write about joy when the world is imploding, so my thinking went. This newsletter began to feel indulgent. A pet project for the privileged.
I know it’s not exactly logical, but it’s how I felt. And even that framing is a little bit of a dodge. I haven’t written lately because I’ve had a case of Bad Brain. In general, I feel a little bit sad, a little bit numb, and very scooped out. Even with no obligations except to work and to eat, I’ve been ending each day frazzled and exhausted, swapping out my computer doomscrolling for phone doomscrolling until 1 a.m. I don’t even have enough energy to think of a good metaphor. Bad Brain doesn’t care about metaphors. Bad Brain is not subtle or cute. It’s a cudgel, beating down any creativity.
Anyway. Here I am on a Sunday night, starting small. Here is a morsel of joy, plated and presented for you, and for me:
This afternoon, I slumped along Mount Pleasant Street, sticky and stinky with sweat. Yards ahead, I saw a discount cell service store, advertising such a good deal that it had to be a scam. Outside said scam store was a relic from a bygone era: a payphone.
Reader, I am young. I am not too young to be unaware of what a payphone is, but I am young enough to never have needed one. And I can’t lie. I was surprised. A payphone? Here? What are the chances it even works anymore?
I leaned in closer. Someone had anticipated my befuddlement. Write in block letters was a sign taped to the bottom of the metal box.
YES, it affirmed. THIS PAYPHONE WORKS.
I think sadness can be appropriate at a time like this, especially if it gives cause for reflection. And reflection with curiosity can lead to action.